Harry Potter and the Revolving Dice of DOOM!
by Xander
Summary: The latest Harry Potter fic, from me and my cousin. Fragile minds beware! Co-Written by Miss Egypt.
1. The Beginning...

Harry and Ron sat in the common room, working on their homework for Professor Trelawny, when Ron dropped his quill suddenly and screamed, "MY EYES!" I still think they're going to explode...."   
  
Harry, who was just about to tell Ron otherwise, was startled when a fizzing noise issued from Ron's eyes. "At least your lips don't look like they were caught in a pool drain," said Harry helpfully.   
  
Ron just sat there, his hands over his eyes, moaning. "Don't be crazy Ron! It's just a reaction from eating too many of Bertie Bott's Sour Any Flavor Beans!" replied Hermione, sitting down next to Ron. "Although that is pretty gross...perhaps you should go seek out medical assistance."   
  
"Okay..." replied Ron, who got up and left the Hall.   
  
"So, Harry, how's the homework coming?" asked Hermione.   
  
"You're done already, aren't you?" asked Harry, noting the taunting tone in Hermione's voice.   
  
"Yeah," replied Hermione. Suddenly, a loud noise blared, and Harry and Hermione jumped, startled.   
  
"I'm sick of this homework. Why don't we go check it out?" said Harry. "Alright, but what about Ron?"   
  
"His eyes will be fine." So Harry and Hermione exited the Gryffindor common room and ran from corridor to corridor, the noise (which turned out to be music) growing louder all the time. Finally, they stopped in front of the Charms classroom.   
  
"Do we dare look inside?" asked Hermione timidly. Harry nodded, and pushed open the door. Professor Flitwick was dancing around in blinding pink robes to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. "I'm a Barbie Girl...in a Barbie world..."   
  
Hermione was singing along. She caught Harry's weird stare. "Sorry, it's like impossible not to sing along to that song." The CD switched to "Happy Boys and Happy Girls" and the whole class started dancing too.   
  
"This place is just getting too darn weird," muttered Harry. The scariest part about it was the class that Flitwick was dancing in front of was a bunch of 7th years. "Creepy."


	2. Smores Galore

He and Hermione turned around to go back to the common room, and jumped, startled yet again, at who was behind them. It wasn't so much who; it was what they were wearing.   
  
Once again Professor Snape was wearing abnormal things; this evening he wore a gown made of marshmallows glued together. Even creepier, he was missing his eyes, and where they should have been were two revolving dice.   
  
"Ahh! Professor Snape has become a grotesque Vegas attraction!" exclaimed Hermione. "Let's get outta here!" exclaimed Harry. Hermione and Harry ran back to the common room, where they were greeted by the sight of everyone in the common room wearing clothing made of marshmallows and dancing around, although, luckily, none of their eyes were missing. Ron danced by, wearing his trademark pink tutu. He oddly enough, wasn't wearing any marshmallows.   
  
"You know if we stuck chocolate and graham crackers on each of these guys, we could make human smores," observed Harry. Suddenly there was a loud booming coming from outside. Harry and Hermione looked outside, only to see a giant marshmallow man dancing around outside.   
  
"What is that?" asked Harry.   
  
"It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man." replied Hermione. Harry, bewildered, looked at Ron more carefully as he pirouetted past them. His eyes were missing, and where they should have been were the revolving dice.


	3. Dammit Janet

"I think maybe his eyes did explode," said Hermione, who was beginning to feel a little freaked out. "We've got to get to the bottom of this."   
  
"Yes, said Harry, "but first we should try and explain Fred and George's problem." Hermione glanced across the room at Fred and George Weasley, who in spite of everything, were acting normal and doing homework.   
  
"I don't see that they have a problem," said Hermione.   
  
"I think otherwise," said Harry. "Look at Fred's pocket." Fred's pocket was full of something...dice. Red dice were spilling over the edge of his pocket. And, more horrifying, a pair of tweezers did also.   
  
"They got Ron and Snape!" Hermione gasped. Harry and Hermione marched over to Fred and George.   
  
"What do you two think you're doing?" demanded Hermione.   
  
"Why, we're helping people see better." replied George.   
  
"Yeah, people see better with dice than eyes." "This is too gross. I'm going to Dumbledore!" exclaimed Harry. Harry marched out of the Gryffindor common room with Hermione in tow. Harry and Hermione raced down the corridors, up several staircases and finally they reached the winged boar statues in front of the blocked passageway leading up to Dumbledore's office. Harry suddenly felt very stupid, for he had long since needed to use the password to get into Dumbledore's office, and he was sure it had been changed. Suddenly Professor Snape twirled past them, though this time the marshmallow dress was gone. In its place was a loincloth with ornamental dice all over it. His dice eyes had quit revolving as well. Where Snape's left eye would normally have resided, the die had stopped on 3, and in Snape's right eye socket, the die had stopped on 5.   
  
"Eight?" said Hermione, curiously. Suddenly a huge grin burst out on Snape's face, and he pulled out a pair of tweezers, advancing on Hermione, who screamed. Harry was beginning to feel desperate. If Hermione's eyes were removed, and she became a walking dice-eyed creep s everyone else (excepting Fred and George) had, he would be completely alone...   
  
"Naughty horticulture!" Harry shouted, for lack of anything else to say. The winged boars came to life and moved aside.   
  
"Odd..." said Harry, awed at his own inspiration. "HELP ME!" screamed Hermione, but it was too late... Harry could do nothing else but run up the passageway leading to his only hope. When he reached the closed door at the top of the stairs he stopped, and his hope diminished, for inside, he heard music... "Tribal Dance" by 2 Unlimited was playing, and he was worried that Dumbledore was acting as Flitwick was several floors below in the Charms classroom. Harry closed his eyes, hoping beyond hope, that Dumbledore was sane. He pushed open the door to the office, and his fears were confirmed. Dumbledore was parading around in a blinding, lacey, lime green gown. Where his eyes should have been were the dice, but they were still revolving...   
  
"How did Fred and George manage to send someone up to attack Dumbledore?" wondered Harry to himself. "Will everyone end up dice-eyed creeps? I wonder what it's like to be mummified alive?"   
  
"Yeah, and I've always wondered who invented liquid soap and why? But, can we please remain on the topic at hand?!"   
  
"Right...right...sorry. What do we do?" asked Harry.   
  
"Well, I've never read anything about revolving dice eyes before..." replied Hermione.   
  
"So what you're saying is that we're screwed," replied Harry.   
  
"Essentially," replied Hermione.   
  
"WAIT! I know! Hedwig and the Angry Inch!" exclaimed Harry.   
  
(Author's Note: Hedwig and the Angry Inch is the name of a movie that's out that I have no idea what it's about, but I felt I'd better throw it in here, since the title reminds me of a certain owl...)   
  
"What?" exclaimed Hermione.   
  
"No, wait! Just Hedwig! Quick, to the owlery!" exclaimed Harry, running down the hall towards the owlery while the Batman theme blasted over the soundtrack. What? What's that? This is text only? In bloody blazes, so it is...oh well, nevermind. Harry and Hermione burst into the owlery, relieved to see that whatever evil, heinous, casino-based spell that was spreading didn't work on owls. They were sitting on their posts, apparently sleeping.   
  
"Hedwig? Hedwig?" said Harry. Harry and Hermione walked over to Hedwig's post, only to find him laying back of a little hammock, watching TV Hedwig held up a wing signaling them to be quiet. Harry and Hermione patiently waited for a commercial. It was a while before Harry realized that Hedwig was watching a DVD. Harry picked up the case.   
  
"Hedwig and the Angry Inch," read Harry aloud. He turned to Hedwig. "You know, this movie isn't about you..."   
  
"Eh?" squawked Hedwig, who promptly pressed the eject button and tossed the disc out the window.   
  
"Okay, Hedwig, we need you to get this to Sirus Black, as soon as possible. No stopping for espresso like before. Besides, we gotta get you over that caffeine habit." Hermione handed Hedwig the piece of parchment. "I hope Sirus gets this in time. He's our only hope," said Hermione.   
  
"Wait a second! Why aren't your eyes revolving dice? I thought Snape got you!" demanded Harry.   
  
"I kicked him in the groin and ran away," replied Hermione.   
  
"Makes sense," replied Harry.   
  
"Harry? What are you doing in the owlery so late at night?" inquired a voice behind them.   
  
Hermione spun around to see the speaker, and screamed. Harry pivoted, too, and saw the cause for fear.   
  
Dumbledore, in his lacey lime green gown, had followed them, and his whirling dice had stopped. He carried a portable boom box in his right hand, and it was currently playing Eiffel 65's hit, "Blue." Dumbledore was dancing to it, waiting for a reply from Harry.   
  
"I'm sending a letter, what else..." Harry began cautiously. The music in the boom box stopped instantly, and a chilling silence filled the room.   
  
"About how many sentences were in the letter?" asked Dumbledore in a sinister tone Harry had never heard him use before. Knowing Dumbledore was a very powerful wizard, Harry feared that if he did not reply to this, Dumbledore might lose it and Harry's life would be in jeopardy.   
  
"About two sentences, sir," said Harry. Dumbledore smiled a wicked smile, and stepped forward in a deathly manner.   
  
"Harry, remember how Snape almost got me!" Hermione shrieked. "The dice in his eyes stopped, I added the numbers up and got eight, and he then tried to get my eyes!"   
  
Harry looked at the dice in Dumbledore's eyes; the dice in both sockets had stopped revolving and landed on 1. Two. Two sentences! Harry had jeopardized his life anyway. He knew his green eyes didn't have the best vision, but he now suddenly felt very attached to them, for as Professor Dumbledore raised a pair of tweezers, Harry knew his eyes didn't stand a very good chance....   
  
Harry, thinking quickly yelled, "Stop!" Dumbledore did just that.   
  
Harry quickly pondered what to say next. "Hey Hermione."   
  
"Yes, Harry?"   
  
"I've got something to say."   
  
"Uh-huh."   
  
"I really like the skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."   
  
"WHAT?" exclaimed Dumbledore.   
  
"Run Hermione!" exclaimed Harry.   
  
Hermione ran out of the owlery. Harry quickly ran and slid under Dumbledore, and Dumbledore's lime green gown and followed Hermione out of the owlery. Dumbledore remained, singing "Dammit Janet" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.   
  
Outside of the owlery, Harry and Hermione gathered their senses. "We are in big trouble!" exclaimed Hermione.   
  
"Yeah, I know! Dumbledore knew all the words to "Dammit Janet"!" replied Harry.   
  
Suddenly, Harry heard footsteps racing toward them. He spun around, scared to death that he'd see yet another dice-eyed figure.... But no, he didn't see anyone at first. He turned around again to speak to Hermione.   
  
"Harry! Look out!" Hermione screeched. Harry wheeled around to come face-to-face with a mime.   
  
"What the..." The mime proceeded to make a number of gestures.   
  
"I think he's trying to tell us something," said Harry.   
"What is it boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well again?" The mime paid no attention.   
  
Harry and Hermione eventually gathered that this particular mime was also an escapee from the Hogsmeade Asylum, as it then proceeded to lick the floor of the dusty hallway.


	4. Now What?

Frightened and bewildered, Harry and Hermione ran as fast as they could around the corner and down several flights of stairs. As they rounded another corner, Snape was waiting. Quicker than a flash of lightning, he whipped out a pair of tweezers and removed Hermione's eyes.   
  
"AHHHHH! NO!!! AH! My eyes! My eyes!" Hermione screamed hysterically. "Harry, help me!"   
  
Harry didn't know what to do, other than attack Snape. But, as fast as Hermione's eyes were removed, Snape put two revolving dice in their place. Hermione fell into a trace-like state, and no longer seemed to care about her eyes. So it had happened. Harry was alone in a school of dice-eyed psychopaths.   
  
"Join us Harry. You can see so much better, granted everything has a red tint to it, but other than that everything is grand!" said Hermione   
  
"Not a chance!" exclaimed Harry.   
  
He ran out the Gryffindor house, through the painting, into the common room into his bunkroom. Harry closed and locked the doors to the bunkroom.   
  
"Entrificus Againstthedoorius!" exclaimed Harry, waving his wand. All the bunks flew at the door, piling up in front of it. Harry looked over, cowering on the floor, was Neville Longbottom.   
  
"Neville! What are you doing on the floor?" asked Harry.   
  
"Harry?" said a tearful Neville, looking up.   
  
"Yeah," replied Harry.   
  
"You don't have dice for eyes," replied Neville.   
  
"Neither do you," said Harry. "What are you doing on the floor?"   
  
"Hiding from the dice eyed people," replied Neville.   
  
"Are you scared of them?" asked Harry.   
  
"No, I was trying to figure out how to figure out how to fix it," replied Neville.   
  
"Well, apparently we have a Mime infestation again too..." replied Harry.   
  
"Mimes?!" exclaimed Neville, who then let out a loud scream and dove under the stacked beds.   
  
"Great," replied Harry.   
  
At that exact moment, Harry heard the fluttering of wings coming through the open window of the room. Hedwig had returned, and she was carrying a scroll of parchment in her beak. She dropped the message at Harry's feet.   
  
"Sirius's reply!" shouted Harry, picking it up and reading it eagerly.   
  
Alas, there was only one sentence written: "I have a wedgie." Harry was just wondering why Sirius felt it was important to let him know about his wedgie, when the bunk beds returned to their proper positions, as Neville screamed and sought cover.   
  
The door burst open. Hermione's dice eyes had stopped revolving. She was always good at charms, and it appeared as though she had just used one to break open the lock. Her wand was outstretched in front of her, aimed at Harry. By her side was Ron, who also had his wand out and ready. The sum of Hermione's dice was 11, Harry noticed; he made a mental note not to say eleven. Ron's dice eyes too, had stopped all motion. The one in his right eye socket displayed four dots, but the one in his left eye said "Made in Las Vegas."   
  
"How do you add that?" Harry wondered aloud.   
  
"Nevermind, just join us," Hermione urged. "It's so much better...."   
  
Just then a mime burst into the room.   
  
"Its days like these that I long for the cupboard under the stairs," said Harry making way for the door. Ron and Hermione followed Harry. The Mime stayed put, pretending to run. The Gryffindor common room was filled with every single one of the dice people. Harry jumped up on the table.   
  
"Everyone, your attention please! I want everyone to look at their neighbor's dice and read the number," instructed Harry. Everyone followed his directions, reading each other's numbers aloud. Sparks fizzled in the air. The spell was in overload. With a loud pop, everyone's eyeballs were restored. There was much rejoice.   
  
"Yay," replied everyone else in the room.   
  
"Well that was an awfully simple solution. Why didn't you think of it sooner?" asked Hermione.   
  
"To be honest, it just suddenly occurred to me that this spell was like simple household wiring. You plug in the dishwasher and the stove and everything is fine. Then you plug in the toaster and the house goes DARK!" explained Harry.   
  
"Makes sense to me," replied Ron. "But how do you explain the Mimes?"   
  
"Hagrid forgot to spray for them this fall," replied Harry.   
  
Everything would have been considered returned to normalcy, but Mr. Whipple, the toilet paper guy, hooked up to a respirator, wheeled into the room in a fluffy pink diaper...  
  
"Here we go again," said Harry.  
  
THE END  
As for this sequel... 


End file.
